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How do I end my life if I'm too much of a coward? I mean it when I say I really have nothing to live for. I'm a trust fund baby with a social phobia who conspired to rob me of any ambition in life. The person I live with drives me crazy with my anxiety and depression. He doesn't deserve the kind of mental abuse I put him through, and I would probably be happier if he was dead and he had my money. Oh, he seems supportive, but I don't think he's happy at all. He struggled to make ends meet for most of his life and I think it would be a gift to him if he put me out of the way so he could enjoy my wealth, hopefully with someone more stable like me.
At 36, I've only had two short summer jobs and am currently unemployed (how to explain my lack of a resume?). So I don't have a career path to follow and no predictable path to making a difference in this world, especially when I'm too scared to say hello to someone at the diner I've been going to for years. I tried in school from time to time, but the cyclical nature of my depression and phobias made it nearly impossible to finish college. I distance myself from everyone I come in contact with because I can't make conversation at all, so people consider me a snob. I have no friends other than my partner. There really is no future for me.
The problem is my fear of the pain of dying. I don't want it to last and/or hurt. A gun would be quick, but I can't buy one because I've been in a psychiatric hospital. Even jumping off a building would take a long time. pills? I have a lot, but bad things can happen before they finally get you down.
I don't "ask for help". I've been through years of therapy, countless cocktails of meds and hospital stays, and the best thing that's ever happened to me is a few months of peace before I develop resistance to the meds I'm on and they stop working. I can't ask my partner to do this; I would never do that in a million years. He doesn't know what kind of pain I'm in and I can't explain it properly to him.
So how do I do this quickly and painlessly?
ready for the end
Esteemed ready for the end,
I cannot give you any useful advice on how to commit suicide.
However, I also cannot say that your life is good and should be preserved, as I cannot know what life is like for you. A normal day for you can be more horrible than my worst day. Who am I to say you must choose to live your life? As one of those people who are left behind when others leave, I can only say that I have never heard of successful suicides, whether they were happy with the results.
Let's just say that in your case, suicide is one of the options you're considering. Suppose I was called to help you choose. I think there are probably a few better options for achieving what you're trying to achieve.
What you want to achieve is to end your suffering. His only concern is that the act of suicide itself may involve pain. But it is not entirely clear that suicide, in any case, will end suffering.
None of us know what death will bring. You may find yourself reborn and continuing to suffer, or suffering in Hell, or totally unconscious and therefore in a state immune to claims of being better or worse, or in a more incomprehensible state of consciousness that transcends what you currently have. The primitive apparatus of the brain, nervous system and senses allows you to visualize. You don't know that you won't come back as a stone, dog or lizard vaguely aware, believe it or not, of having been a human being, masterful and sublime among earthly beings. You may find yourself, as I do when dreaming of suicide, in a state of relentless remorse for giving up your life in a rash moment. In my dream I'm falling and I ask myself why did I do this? Someone told me the other day about a man who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and survived; On the way down he thought: I thought I was in trouble before, but now I really have a problem: I jumped!
They don't know anything for sure about death and what comes after it. So choosing suicide is by no means the surefire cure for your ailments that you might think. On the contrary, it's a big gamble.
Since you're clearly willing to gamble to ease your pain, let's consider other bets you might be making.
For starters, you can bet that waking up alive tomorrow could be one of your few good days. The odds are not great, but at least they can be known. Since you've had some good days, you know that good days are possible. Furthermore, a review of your life will likely reveal that your good days occurred in a cyclical pattern, alternating with bouts of illness. As such, they will likely return to this cycle, perhaps not often enough to alleviate their discomfort.feelingthat life is relentless suffering, but enough to show that his suffering does occasionally lessen.
Knowing that good days will come and that they are rare, you can choose to make the most of the few that do. As an independent wealth manager, you have a few options. The next good day, she could catch a plane to Paris. On a good day, you can do anything your heart desires in the world.
On a rare good day, you might as well use your wealth to keep that good day and possibly extend it into two or three good days. See if you can string together a good day streak. I eat? You can offer a $10,000 prize to any psychologist, philosopher, or doctor who manages to stretch that good day into two good days or even a week! Perhaps there is someone with a method or medicine that works for you: a hypnotist, a sorcerer, a meditative genius or a herbalist and flower doctor, perhaps a guru sitting on a mountain. It would be a gamble and people would try to scam you, but since you are willing to gamble in other ways and spend your money, you might be willing to try anything.
What, may I ask, do you have to lose?
Of course, the chances of tomorrow not being a good day are slim. Chances are, tomorrow will be another day of depression and suicidal thoughts. But good days are yet to come. Someday one will come. Waiting for that almost certain good day and capitalizing on it anyway seems like a good bet to me.
There are other good reasons to keep living. Medical and psychological researchers continue to look for ways to treat mental illness. At age 36, you may have 40 or more years to live in which a cure can be found. Therefore, it makes sense to delay suicide as long as possible while you can still live. It also makes sense, if you have assets, to put some of your money into any promising research.
If you also want to give money to the person you live with, feel free to do so. You don't have to die to give money. If contributing to that person's happiness makes you happy, why not give them some kind of financial gift while they're alive? However, if you want to know that you made someone happy, you have to be alive to know.
I don't want to simplify my views on suicide. I recognize your suffering and the seriousness of your proposal. Nor do I intend to lessen your suffering by seeing the decision to commit suicide as a gamble to reduce a deeply emotional gesture to mere calculation. What I want to emphasize is that although suicide may appeal to you as a very expressive action, it is fundamentally different from other expressive actions. We could blow a hole in the wall or yell at a policeman; We can get drunk or break things. From these gestures we can recover our life. In fact, the real purpose of such gestures is that we can get rid of the frustration and anger within us and move on.
Suicide is not such a gesture; Instead of allowing us to proceed, it kills all possibilities.
So my advice is to treat suicide like a bad game, gamble on what little pleasure you can get out of life, and persist as long as you can in hopes of finding a cure for your illness.
If you think you are committing suicide, call the local San Francisco Suicide Hotline or national reference number at 1-800-273-8255 or, if you prefer, call the San Francisco Local Suicide Hotline at 415-781- 0500. It is attended by a live person 24 hours a day, seven days a week.